OUR DECISION TO SEVER TIES
Our decision not to have a relationship with our children's birth mom is an extremely personal one. Not personal in the "I can't share the reasons why" sort of way, but personal in that it is OUR decision to make, one that we believe is right for our daughters; just as your decision about whether or not to have a relationship with your child's birth parent is personal to you, and completely YOUR decision to make.
HOW WE GOT HERE
In the early days of our story, the girls saw their birth mother about once a month. We always prompted these visits because we believed it would be in their best interest if they should ever go back to live with her (in those days it was very uncertain). But as time went by, and her interest in them waned (and as more and more of their story was uncovered) we knew it was not healthy for them to continue to see her. Quite simply, they needed time for their fragile little hearts and minds to heal, and every time they saw her, their little worlds were rocked for days or weeks on end. So as their parents, we made the very difficult decision to sever their visitation with her.
MANAGING MY OWN EMOTIONS
I confess to you, some days when I see her face in them, I wonder if we are making the right decision. Should we let her see them? Should we let them have a relationship with her at this stage of their life?
And then other times I see her face in theirs, and I am furiously angry. Angry for all the things they endured at her hand and the hands of those she exposed them to, and angry that they still struggle as a result of those things.
But I have come to this conclusion. I must love her. I am called to love her. And when I want to hate her for all their pain, I look at the two beautiful daughters she has given me, and I find myself thankful that she ultimately chose to give them up so that they had a fighting chance at surviving their childhood and thriving as adults.
HOW TO LOVE YOUR CHILD'S BIRTH MOM
So, how do you love your child's birth mom when their story, at her hands, is not a good story?
1. Forgive her. You may not realize it, but you likely have deep internal feelings of unforgiveness for what she may or may not have provided or may or may not have allowed to happen to your children. Address these feelings and work through forgiving her.
2. Remember that she likely did not have a model childhood, and there is a very statistically high probability that she was abused as well (if they were).
3. Love her, in your mind, as if she was your child. (Weird concept, I know, but it helps.) It gives you feelings of nurture for her.
4. Be thankful for her. I mean really thankful. She gave life to your children.
5. If you know her well, then look for her good traits in your children. Those good traits that you love in your children will endear her to you. (Our girls' birth mom has a funny, quirky sense of humor, and I see that in them.)
6. Don't blame their birth mom for the negative things you see in your children. Even though those negative things may be a result of their abuse or neglect, blaming her doesn't help anyone.
7. Understand that by having good, positive feelings toward her you are giving your children permission to someday have those same feelings. They'll be taking their cues from you.
8. As time, life, and your particular circumstances allow, have a positive relationship with her. (For us, this is very much a work in progress. We've had a really good relationship at times, and really struggled at times.)
9. Pray for her regularly. Not much to say here other than do it.
10. See her through the eyes of Jesus. Jesus is able to look past our flaws, our hurts, our sin, and love us unconditionally. It's a good example for us to follow.
WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD?
I don't know what the future will look like with her. It's something I pray about often. And I know in His time, God will reveal the right course for our daughters' relationship with their birth mom. Until then, I will work on loving her.
What Would be on your list?
So, what would you add to the list? We all learn from each other. What have you found to be the best approach for your family?
