ThatCarolJones||What Color is Family?: 2013

I Can't Explain Something That is Beyond Logic

I watched the Blindside a few nights ago. I've seen it before, but it was very different watching it this time. The first time I saw it, we had not adopted our daughters. Watching the way the Touhy's had to defend their actions to people felt hauntingly familiar.

We shouldn't have to field commentary about race, and lifestyle, and socio-economic status, but we do. We shouldn't have to try to explain what we're doing, or why we're doing it. People say incredibly well-meaning, and yet very hurtful things to us all the time. Sometimes those well-meaning, yet hurtful things must register in my eyes because those are the times that people tend to launch into the "Well, of course I think what you guys are doing is incredible, it's just that _____ (fill in the blank.)"

I find I get really tired of explaining myself, my husband, our family, our thoughts, our hopes, our fears. It's draining if I'm honest. I don't mind telling our story, I just mind trying to help people "understand." Seriously, I don't understand it myself some days. So explaining to someone else is virtually impossible. Sometimes God just calls us to do things, things that are illogical.

Here's the real deal. I'm nothing special. We're nothing special. Yes, we're empty nesters, on the road to retirement, and now we're parenting twin kindergartners. Yes, some days are trying. Some days are hard, (like when one of them cuts her hair at school and then her sister follows suit by cutting up her favorite skirt . . . and then crying about it because it was her favorite skirt! Not even kidding.) But that's the nature of parenting. All parenting.

Photo Credit: ChipGillespie.com

We aren't a typical family. I get it. We're older, we're a different race, we don't blend. But we aren't an anomaly. We're a family.

I heard a message in church recently about the love of God and how it defies logic. I believe adoption is such a great picture of love beyond logic.

Love beyond logic. That might catch on.

ADD YOUR THOUGHTS

What's the most illogical love you have shown someone recently? How did it affect you and how do you think it affected them?

Your Child's Play Can Unlock the Mystery of Their Adoption

I was sewing last night, something I haven't done in over a year, but something I love to do. The girls were in a particularly good mood, especially considering it was late in the day on a Sunday. I could hear them in the playroom just outside the door to my sewing room, laughing and playing so sweetly.

A few minutes later, Shannay came into the room with me and asked if she could play "babies" in the room with me, and I said she could.

She walked into the room, pillow in one hand, blanket in the other, with a tiny black baby doll stuffed under her shirt. Funny thing about this particular dolly is that she almost never plays with it, preferring Rapunzel or Cinderella or some other Disney princess in its place.

I continued to sort my fabric pieces into light and dark shades, watching out of the corner of my eye, not wanting to disrupt her imaginative play, and REALLY curious about what was going to happen with that baby in her shirt (especially considering our recent discussion about babies.)

She said to me, "I'm gonna have a baby out of the special place in my tummy and then I'm gonna gib it to you. I gonna be sad, but it's okay cause you're good wit babies. And you'll lub it."

She proceeded to lay the baby gently on the pillow, covered it with the blanket, then softly spoke to me, turned off the lights and turned to leave the room.

I stood there frozen in that moment, staring at her, tears welling up in my eyes, afraid to speak for fear my voice would give way to the emotion in my heart.

She's five. Five little years old. And yet, somewhere deep inside her little heart and mind, she gets it, or she's trying to. I'm not wise to the way her little mind is trying to sort this all out, but I'm smart enough to know, if you pay attention to children, they will tell you what they are thinking.

Truthfully, I wasn't sure how to engage her, and maybe I've missed an incredible moment to answer her questions.

But I love that she gave me a glimpse into her sweet little heart.

As I stood there, captivated by her monologue, her twin sister walked into the room with a baby doll tucked up in her shirt as well. She reached up under her shirt, yanked the doll out by the heels, plopped it down, unceremoniously, next to the other one and said, "It's twins." And walked out of the room with a mischievous giggle.

All the emotion of the moment was released in laughter, deep, joy-filled laughter.

Some days this whole adoption world is crazy hard. But on other days, I can't picture my life any other way.

Are You Brave Enough to Live Life Unscripted?

My dad is here visiting. Several months ago we decided that if our daughters had a SHOT at knowing ANY of their grandparents, it would be him, for a few reasons.

He lives only a couple of hours away.
He still drives.
He has a pretty free schedule.
He's in good health.

This is him with the girls the first time he met them.
It was love at first sight on all accounts.

So once a month, he comes here and spends a few days, sometimes longer, and spreads his "Pawpaw Magic" as he calls it.

Even in the early days, when she wasn't
a "cuddler," she loved snuggling
with her Papa.

Photo Op at the Pumpkin Patch

Helping them decorate their craft project
at the Easter Egg Hunt

I love his visits for many, many reasons, but I have to confess, some things are a little difficult for me when he is here. He has a tendency to throw restraint to the wind. He tells me it's allowed. He tells me grandparents are allowed to throw restraint to the wind. He tells me to relax.

HA! Clearly he does not know me and my controlling ways.

Everyone Needs a Pawpaw

As I watch them interact with him though, I realize, everyone needs a Pawpaw in their life.

Someone who adores you just because you are breathing.
Someone who showers you with the most precious gift of all; time.
Someone who throws caution to the wind and says, "Who wants an animal cracker for breakfast?"

Right now, as I type this, I am watching my children play outside, hair undone, still in their jammies, no shoes, riding their bikes and watching the concrete trucks pour concrete as their "Papa" (as they call him) teaches them the precious gift of life outside a schedule.

Life Unscripted
But he did eventually make them
put their shoes on!

I can't remember the last time I saw them this relaxed, and in truth, that saddens me just a bit. Our lives are so busy, so demanding, and we tend to drag them along with us feeding them a very unhealthy diet of stress and worry and busyness.

Today, I think I need a little Pawpaw Magic myself. A little life unscripted, unscheduled.

Heck, I'm still in my jammies, my hair's undone, and my feet are bare. Maybe I'll join them outside. Maybe I'll grab me an animal cracker and join them.

Here's to life unscripted.

Will You Do Me a Big Favor?

Would you do me a favor today? . . . It's a big favor . . .

Will you post a picture here (or on Facebook) of you throwing restraint to the wind and embracing life unscripted? Are you brave enough to live life unscripted?

Here's mine!

In This Home

Three years ago, Mike and I moved into a small, three bedroom home; a home just perfect for the two of us as we started our lives as empty nesters.

And less than two weeks later, we went from being two empty nesters to parents of twin toddlers. There are so many steps in our adoption journey that have taken place here in this home.

It was in this home, that we got a call in the middle of the night to go rescue the girls from their birth mom's home.

It was sitting upstairs in our playroom that our girls' birth mom asked us to adopt her daughters.

And in this home that she called us and said she'd changed her mind (it's odd how devastated you can be over losing something you never really knew you even wanted.)

It was in this home that we endured the season of extreme emotional distress where every single day was a meltdown from one or both girls; meltdowns that would last anywhere from 20 minutes to hours. (And just as quickly, life would be back to normal for them, but we were worn out!)

(I used to pray every single day before I picked them up at the day care that God would give me the strength to endure what I was about to face. Those were dark days for sure.)

It was in this home that we received one terrible diagnosis after another regarding their developmental abilities; and in this home that we have seen such healing.

It was in this home that we knew God was calling us to adopt them, and in this home that their adoption became final.

So many memories here. So many firsts. So many heartaches and so many joys. So grateful for this season and so grateful it is over.

We have moved. And a whole new adventure awaits us.

Loving Your Child's Birth Mom (Even When It's Hard)

Sometimes I look at my daughters, and I can see their birth mom. One of them has her eyes, and the other has her mouth and nose. Sometimes the way they turn their heads, just so, or a facial expression they make will catch me off guard, and I see her. And sometimes, in those moments, the range of emotions I have about her completely knocks me off center.

OUR DECISION TO SEVER TIES

Our decision not to have a relationship with our children's birth mom is an extremely personal one. Not personal in the "I can't share the reasons why" sort of way, but personal in that it is OUR decision to make, one that we believe is right for our daughters; just as your decision about whether or not to have a relationship with your child's birth parent is personal to you, and completely YOUR decision to make.

HOW WE GOT HERE

In the early days of our story, the girls saw their birth mother about once a month. We always prompted these visits because we believed it would be in their best interest if they should ever go back to live with her (in those days it was very uncertain). But as time went by, and her interest in them waned (and as more and more of their story was uncovered) we knew it was not healthy for them to continue to see her. Quite simply, they needed time for their fragile little hearts and minds to heal, and every time they saw her, their little worlds were rocked for days or weeks on end. So as their parents, we made the very difficult decision to sever their visitation with her.

MANAGING MY OWN EMOTIONS

I confess to you, some days when I see her face in them, I wonder if we are making the right decision. Should we let her see them? Should we let them have a relationship with her at this stage of their life?

And then other times I see her face in theirs, and I am furiously angry. Angry for all the things they endured at her hand and the hands of those she exposed them to, and angry that they still struggle as a result of those things.

But I have come to this conclusion. I must love her. I am called to love her. And when I want to hate her for all their pain, I look at the two beautiful daughters she has given me, and I find myself thankful that she ultimately chose to give them up so that they had a fighting chance at surviving their childhood and thriving as adults.

HOW TO LOVE YOUR CHILD'S BIRTH MOM

So, how do you love your child's birth mom when their story, at her hands, is not a good story?

1. Forgive her. You may not realize it, but you likely have deep internal feelings of unforgiveness for what she may or may not have provided or may or may not have allowed to happen to your children. Address these feelings and work through forgiving her.

2. Remember that she likely did not have a model childhood, and there is a very statistically high probability that she was abused as well (if they were).

3. Love her, in your mind, as if she was your child. (Weird concept, I know, but it helps.) It gives you feelings of nurture for her.

4. Be thankful for her. I mean really thankful. She gave life to your children.

5. If you know her well, then look for her good traits in your children. Those good traits that you love in your children will endear her to you. (Our girls' birth mom has a funny, quirky sense of humor, and I see that in them.)

6. Don't blame their birth mom for the negative things you see in your children. Even though those negative things may be a result of their abuse or neglect, blaming her doesn't help anyone.

7. Understand that by having good, positive feelings toward her you are giving your children permission to someday have those same feelings. They'll be taking their cues from you.

8. As time, life, and your particular circumstances allow, have a positive relationship with her. (For us, this is very much a work in progress. We've had a really good relationship at times, and really struggled at times.)

9. Pray for her regularly. Not much to say here other than do it.

10. See her through the eyes of Jesus. Jesus is able to look past our flaws, our hurts, our sin, and love us unconditionally. It's a good example for us to follow.

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD?

I don't know what the future will look like with her. It's something I pray about often. And I know in His time, God will reveal the right course for our daughters' relationship with their birth mom. Until then, I will work on loving her.

What Would be on your list?
So, what would you add to the list? We all learn from each other. What have you found to be the best approach for your family?

We Can Do Better

It's 2013, in case you didn't know, and I'm here to report that racism is alive and well.

And sadly, I'm shocked by that. I'm sure I shouldn't be shocked, but I am.

This past weekend, I had the privilege of performing a wedding in the beautiful hill country of Texas, Fredericksburg to be exact. And my story should not be taken to be the pervasive behavior of the entire town. It was most certainly an isolated experience.

On Saturday morning, Mike and the girls and I slept in and then headed out for a late breakfast. Considering Fredericksburg is a tourist town, famous for wineries and quaint little bed and breakfasts, we thought we'd find us a cute little local restaurant to enjoy. Apparently though every OTHER tourist in town had the exact same plan because all the little local restaurants were packed.

Had it been just the two of us, we probably would have just waited, but the girls were hungry and getting grouchy, so we decided to go to a Denny's that I had remembered passing the night before.

When we got there, we were seated right away in the back of the restaurant. Another couple, without children, were seated at the same time.

Their order was taken right away, and before our order was ever even taken they received their food. Finally we were waited on, but then we continued to wait for what seemed like an eternity with two hungry and active preschoolers!

Eventually I had to flag down another employee and ask about our meal. She asked who our waiter was, then rolled her eyes and headed off to check on our food. Within moments our food arrived, all except for mine, which was completely wrong, and had to be returned.

Our waiter never returned to our table. Not once. A manager, seeing me staring around the dining room, stopped by our table to see what was wrong. When I explained that I still had not gotten my food and that Mike was still missing part of his food, he asked who our waiter was. When I pointed out who he was, the manager shook his head, then quickly returned with my food.

It was not until the very end of our breakfast did our waiter return. No apology. No "Sorry I never refilled your coffee or checked on your order." Nope. Just a bill.

As we left the restaurant, I asked Mike to take the girls to the car so I could discuss our bill and our service with the manager. There were two women at the cash register, an Assistant Manager and the Cashier. The Assistant Manager asked who our server was, exchanged a glance with the Cashier, then took my breakfast off our bill and apologized for the inconvenience.

I told the Cashier, "I know this will sound weird, but I seriously got the impression that he didn't want to wait on us because our daughters are black. I'm sure that's not the case, and I'm not really one to jump to the "race card" but it really, actually felt that way."

She said, "It's not weird, and I'm sure that's exactly what happened. He just got back from suspension for the exact thing. He has race issues."

I. Was. Shocked.

I held back my tears, really not wanting to believe that crap like that still exists. When I got to the car and told Mike what happened, we both just sat there in stunned silence. I looked in the back seat at my two daughters and couldn't decide whether to cry, go back in and ninja chop the guy in the face, or just drive away.

When I shared my experience with a friend, here's what she said, (I told her I was going to quote her because her words summed up my feelings.)

"Racism is a waste of time and energy. It also shows a person's heart. "I'm not going to serve someone because they are black." Yeah, way to love your fellow man, and to do that to little girls is just stupid."

In the past few days, I've gone from hurt, to mad, to just plain shocked. Seriously, people. We can do better. We can do better.

The Truth of Their Story - Telling Our Girls Their Story

Our First Family Photo

When my boys were little, they used to love hearing the story of the day they were born, coming home from the hospital, etc. I told that story over and over and over, but they never tired of it. (Well, eventually they tired of it because they discovered Nintendo and sports and other things in life more interesting than the story of their birth! But you know what I mean.)

I digress.

I have struggled to tell the girls their story, so I have avoided their story. I know it's the wrong choice, I've just really struggled with what I would say.

THE TRUTH OF THEIR STORY

Their story isn't pretty.

How they came to us isn't pretty.

The day they came to our house isn't lovely and filled with sweet sentiments.

But they deserve a story they'll want to hear over and over and over. So I've been working on it.

THEIR COMING HOME STORY

"When you girls were born, you were teeny tiny. You only weighed two pounds, which is not very big at all. You were so tiny they put you in a very special baby bed that helped you breathe and get healthy.

But you did get healthy. And you got bigger too!

I will never forget the first day you came home to us. It was nighttime, and when I first saw you both, I couldn't get over how little you were! (I didn't know then that you had been a teeny tiny baby when you were born, but I found that out later and was so glad you were growing and growing. But I was kind of glad you were still little girls.)

On our way home with you girls, Shannay, you sneaked out of your car seat and scared me by touching my shoulder! I had to pull the car over and get you buckled back in. (Parent fail)

You girls both fell asleep on the way home, so we just put you in bed in the little dresses you were wearing, because we didn't want to wake you up.

It was a very sweet moment for us. Daddy and I both cried as we looked at you lying in your cribs.

The next morning, we gave you baths, which you weren't too sure you liked. (Don't know how we got a smiling picture out of you Shannay, because you girls barely moved!)

But you LOVED towel time, where we wrapped you in your towels and just let you sit there.

What fun memories we have of you girls and your towel time!

Then you got to meet your big brothers. They loved you instantly, just like Daddy and I did.

And we went to the park to celebrate being a family. (That's also when we learned how fast Nikki was at running away!)

God creates families in many different and special ways. We have loved you and thanked God for making us a family ever since the first day we got you."

IT *IS* A GOOD STORY

So, what do you think? I guess their story is a beautiful story. I'm going to try it out today!

People Stare But They Don't Stop There

Our family looks different than most families.

I get that. For any number of reasons we are stare-worthy.

Seriously.

I totally get that.

First off, the girls are twins. People stare at twins. All twins. Not just my twins.

Secondly, we are old, and the twins are young. People are trying to do the math. They are perplexed. So they stare.

Thirdly, we are white and they are black.

So people stare. The staring isn't so bad anymore (though in the beginning it really bugged me!)

Some things perplex me though.

Here is a real life exchange that just happened last week:

Woman: "Oh they're cute. Are they adopted?"

Me: "Yes Ma'am and thank you."

Woman: "Where are they from?"

Me: "Houston."

Woman: "No I mean where are the "from"?" (she actually made air quotes)

Me: "Houston."

Woman: "No, I mean like where is their mother land?" (not even kidding)

Me: "Texas?"

Woman: "No, like are they from Africa, or Ethiopia, or Haiti?"

Me: "Nope, they're from Houston."

Woman: "oh." (shrugs shoulders, smiles at me like I just don't understand her question, walks away)

I'm often amazed at the things people say to me. And sometimes the comments are hysterical (like the lady that told me the girls looked a lot like Zahara . . . Pitt . . . seriously.)

Anyway, I think the thing that perplexes me the most is that in these days and times that our family would be an oddity.

I'm surprised by that I guess.

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So come on, I've got to know, what is the craziest thing anyone has said to you about your colorful family?

The Vibrant Color of Family

Our journey to becoming a transracial family is an unusual one.

We were empty nesters. Our grown children had ~~finally~~, just recently moved out, leaving us to celebrate our parental independence!

(This picture is of us, celebrating our parental independence in the mountains of Colorado! Don't we look happy? And younger? And rested?)

Ah, those were the days. We spent our free time dreaming of ways we would spend our free time. The empty nest years had arrived and retirement was just around the corner. Old enough to have raised two kids and still young enough to ~~have sex in every room of the house~~ enjoy life.

I was out with a group of girlfriends one night, when I ran into a woman I know who helps rescue children from the streets. As I often asked when I ran into her, I said, "So, who are you rescuing tonight?" She said, "Twin, 19-month-old girls. You interested?" I'm sure my laugh was somewhere between incredulous and nervous, but I laughed and said, "No way! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train. It's freedom!" She laughed too, and we went our separate ways.

Fast forward this story 11 days and these little girls were in our home.

To say that they were in rough shape would be a tremendous understatement. Their hair and skin were literally falling off due to malnutrition, and their emotional state was worse than that. I won't disclose the many types of abuse they suffered at the hands of family members and caretakers, but just let your mind wander and you will likely encounter the abuse they endured.

But I don't want to focus on the darkness of those days, at least not today, on this inaugural post of What Color is Family.

You see, God has a plan for each of our lives. And no matter what we think the written summary of our lives will be, He has a much richer version of the story to tell.

Our family is so much fun to be around!
Someone is always being goofy, and someone is always corralling the girls!

Transracial adoption is our rich story. It is woven together with a vibrancy of color that only our Creator could imagine. I look forward to sharing our journey with you and to hearing your rich stories as well. There is much to learn and much to be shared with each other.

Leave me a comment below and tell me about your transracial family. Better yet, join me on facebook and post a picture of your beautiful family!

Carol

Happy Launch Day!

UPDATE: AND THE WINNER IS . . . JULIE BEANE!

It's Launch Day at ThatCarolJones.com and that is so full of awesome goodness I can't stand it! This day has been in the works for months and it's finally here!

I hope you'll take the time to click the links to my other blogs and visit each one today. There are special giveaways on each blog, and I know you won't want to miss out on all the greatness you'll find there!

Normally on this blog you'll find "What Color is Family?" It will include our adoption story as well as amazing stories from other families I have met on this journey. You'll also find great resources, tips, advice, pretty much everything amazing and related to transracial adoption.

But today is a day of celebration so I'm just celebrating and giving stuff away!

On "What Color is Family?" I'm giving away a family fun package! It includes breakfast at IHOP, a Movie Pass to Cinemark for 4, and cupcakes from Gigi's!

If you want to be entered to win this fun package, all you have to do is follow this blog, leave me a comment, and then pretty please with sugar on top tweet, post and pin this blog so others will find out about its goodness and follow me too!

Happy Launch Day! And thanks for stopping by!
(And Zack Jones, thank you for your tireless work to make this happen!)